Reality Vs my Brain

 

I wasn’t going to share my blog this week, after all the positivity of last week this week has certainly had it’s dips. Having said that this blog is an honest account of my experiences, the good, the bad and the ugly. I want to be able to look back in a few months time at the journey I’ve had, I also want to share this journey with others in the hope that they might take something from my experiences.  So here it is, warts and all, an insight into what goes on in my head, the thoughts, the feelings and the actions.

 

Last weeks’ blog really highlighted a peak in positivity, everything I did was with a purpose, I was actively seeking challenges, the future was bright and I felt “recovered”. I wasn’t napping as much, was walking more comfortably and had introduced more “normal” activities. Fast forward to this week and the roller-coaster has been on a drop. Physically I’ve still been able to do much of what I was last week, I’ve been feeling more comfortable walking around but the issue of fatigue and pain has hit me like a truck on more than one occasion. Fatigue follows any time I’ve done “too much” but what constitutes “too much”? Well that seems to depend on the day, everyday is different and listening to my body is a skill I’m working on. Pain wise, there’s the odd twinge here and there, stiffness in the morning or when I’m sat for too long, the real issue is evenings/night times. It is probably my bodies way of saying I’ve done too much, well you’d have thought through years of coaching/teaching my body would know the more immediate the feedback the more likely it is to work.  Telling me at the end of the day is just too late!

 

I’ve spent the majority of three days on the sofa this week, I know that I’m only 4 weeks out from what is considered “major surgery”, I’m aware the first 4-6 weeks should be spent resting but that doesn’t stop me from being frustrated at needing these three days. I’ve always tried to keep my fitness levels up, that’s something I’m proud of, I shouldn’t need three days on the sofa. These days have also brought with them tears and tantrums, frustrations boil over. Time seems to be standing still, in my head I’m not progressing, I should be able to do more. I write a daily activity diary, in it I include steps done, rehab done, and any additional activities, even when I look through this and see the numbers showing progress I can’t help but put a damper on it. A prime example is a walk I’ve done this week, 3 km’s in over an hour, really I know I should be pleased with this progress but in reality my first thought is “wow that’s slow” or to immediately consider just how far away my fitness is from that needed for a triathlon I’ve signed up for. I know the process of goal setting and I have the smaller short term goals but I can’t help comparing where I am now to where I was prior to surgery (even that wasn’t something to overly shout about) and where I want to be.

 

The 4 week point appears to be a point where certain activities can be added, you’re encouraged to introduce more activities. This should be a time to be happy, a time to look forward to taking ownership, and I am looking forward to introducing certain activities. However, it’s a scary thought, not least because I’m naturally wired to push myself and this needs to be held back, the consequences don’t bear thinking about. The main concern for me is that getting back to these activities will further illustrate how far I’ve regressed and how much farther I have to go. How confusing, I’m frustrated by the lack of progress yet apprehensive of just what the progress will illustrate.

 

So there you have it, pretty much an unfiltered journey through my mind in week 4. The rollercoaster continues, this week has been tough, and the climb continues with many false summits, the view from the top? I really hope it’s worth it.

 

 

 

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